Are you 'Fake Poly'?
and are we all just abusing the label & giving it a bad rep?
I get it, it’s confusing.
One minute I’m desperately in love with this person - the next moment, that other guy comes back around and tingles my desire…
And even when I’m with him, I see no problem kissing and lapdancing with my girlfriend and creating long-term fantasies of living in an all-female commune where male lovers can frequent… (that’s pretty much how elephants operate btw).
So, I figured out monogamy wasn’t for me about 13 years ago.
It was after a period ‘masking’ my true feelings of loving everyone and any one who came into my sphere, no matter how intensely or superficially. In my childhood and teenage innocence I’d never considered my multiple crushes a problem…
It was after some very painful experiences of trying to fit my heart into monogamous relationship containers, only to ‘slip’ and have a romance with another via text or getting drunk and having a fling with my best friends ex-boyfriend or my ex-boyfriends best friend… 🙄
My heart honestly just wants everyone to get along.
Loving multiple humans is innate to us from early family structures and friendships (yes, normalise having friendship-crushes pls!). Our ability to create healthy attachment-based early relationships with more than one person underlies a lot of our relational patterns in adulthood.
What were your early attachment styles toward your parents/caregivers?
Were you able to maintain longterm friendships and besties - or was that interrupted by moving around, jealousy, bullying, anything?
What did you learn about conflict and conflict resolution in childhood, either from parental examples or from friendships?
It all comes back to early patterns…
I personally noticed that I had a lot of long distance, penpal-style relationships
where I was confident to share intimately.
My parents had a very conflict-oriented communication style and not a lot of resolve,
so I tend to avoid and distance from difficult conversations in fear of being yelled at.
And the most pain I feel is when I feel abandonned or left completely alone…
I suffered the most painful breakups with people who were monogamous and (felt they) had to rip away abruptly and dissociate from the love left in our relationship.
Whereas most of my poly-based relationships have been softer transitions to friendship - we can just admit that the sexual part isn’t the main reason we relate (or maybe it was and is changing) - all good, let’s stay in touch.
And thus, I would like to dispel one really common myth about “real poly” vs “fake poly” people:
Real poly people want everyone to get along, are committed to their relationships and want honesty and clarity around their interests and agreements.
“Fake poly” - to which I categorise people with NO skills or experience in (long-term) open relationships who prioritise *sexual promiscuity* - are often hiding their commitment issues in loose forms of dating, are reluctant to talk about ‘rules’ or complex emotions and end up compartmentalising their relationships.
We are not tearing apart definitions of ‘love’ here.
As with ethics - love is highly subjective.
But I want to distinguish between
RELATIONAL STYLE vs SEXUALITY.
Our sexuality is individual - we are all on multiple spectrums of bi-sexuality, different preferences of stimulation (visual, audio, voyerism, toys, kinks etc)
and also - sex carries different meaning to different people!
I genuinely want to acknowledge that most monogamous people are demisexuals - and feel deep attachment to the person they sleep with. They value trust and safety and sharing the special experience together, getting high on the oxytocin that induces pair-bonding and jealousy.
This DOES NOT mean that Poly people prefer casual sex!!!
Polyamory is a relating style - a friend of mine called it “the permaculture-approach to relating”. It is a philosophy - an ethics, and to me, it is an orientation - a ‘who I am’. It is NOT a lifestyle choice!! - I came “out of the closet” and more honest with myself when I decided I wouldn’t promise monogamy to anyone.
So, I get angry when people say things like “I tried it and it wasn’t for me” - did you also try monogamy and when it ended badly decided to give that up?
Why is poly the cocaine of relationship styles?
I really try to date people who are genuinely OPEN and secure in their relational style. But now even the pro-poly dating app I use is flooded with fetish-kinksters, couples looking to “spice up their life” and just regular single men (who “just want to keep it casual”).
NO, NO and NO.
I get that it’s confusing, I get that in Berlin - lots of people sleep around openly and I understand that NONE OF US HAD ANY PROPER EDUCATION ON HOW TO CREATE EMOTIONALLY HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS.
Neither monogamy-oriented nor polypeople.
So, it’s all a mess.
And I have to advocate for my own kind because it feels like everytime some monogamy-leaning friend of mine has a bad ‘poly-dating’ experience, they bash the whole group of people, generalising things to “poly-people are just commitment-avoidant”.
QUITE THE OPPOSITE.
To me, “True Poly” people are invested in being long term relationships - which might fluidly shift from lovers to friends or vice versa. I have definitely had crushes, erotic encounters and/or sexual relations with most, if not all of my friends!
Real poly people are honest and transparent about their availability and other relationships. I have found dating men who already have a ‘primary partner’ to be some of the most reliable people when it comes to dating and communication.
Real poly people (if they’re not new to it) have MORE LIKELY done A LOT of extensive work around their attachment wounds and jealousy patterns - ask them!
You cannot be ‘poly’ alone. So, most poly people have friends and lovers they openly discuss their relationships with. Because yes, it is complex and there are lots of feelings involved! But we do get better at communicating and navigating these, together.
So, to find more emotional maturity and relational compatibility regardless of mono/poly,
we need to ask our dates some more specific questions:
How long was your last relationship and how did it end? Are you still friends?
What is your availability (timewise and emotionally) for this relationship?
If/when you get jealous - how would you want us to navigate talking about other relationships/affairs or just crushes or interests?
When conflict happens, what’s your usual strategy to resolve it relationally (be honest)?
In fact if you want to do a deeper dive, you can answer any and all questions in my self-made relationship questionnaire (or do it together on a first date!), HERE.
Yes, I am nerdy about it.
Because I care and I love loving people.
I’d love to be friends with all my exes, I am pretty sure the people they date are also cool and interesting and *big surprise* most of us are neurospicy in one or another way! (Polyamory is WAY more common among folk who tend to think outside of boxes).
And yes, we all could learn to be better at it - again, it’s a philosophy of putting love first - expanding our hearts and learning to love more than one person in ways that feel safe and secure.
I have a pretty good radar of whether someone is ‘poly’ or not.
And I have a lot of friends that I believe are ‘poly’ at heart - AT HEART - and yet constantly get into romantic relationships with monogamous people!!
I roll my eyes - because it mostly ends up making a mess.
Both sides compromise - the poly person usually plays down their attractions or interactions with others, because they don’t want to hurt the one they love. And the mono person tries to be more “open-minded” and negotiate ways to allow some (but not all) expressions of attraction to others… however it usually isn’t true to how they feel and they end up hurting.
Or worst case: both sides try to be open and take it way too far - and then snap closed like a rubber band and then loop in this drama and insecurity that the other might want something else…
🤮
I really understand the agony of loving and wanting to be with your latest and biggest crush. The chemical cocktail in our brains makes us want crazy things.
And truly, love WILL find a way.
But also, we have CHOICE.
We have choice of WHO we decide to go on this journey with. The more aligned in our values we are, the easier it might be to have an enjoyable experience. Setting an intention for the relationship early on could really help.
I get that dating in our 30s might be riddled with more desires (both biological and emotional) for long-term committed relations and potential family-planning… and I would again like to encourage us to BE MORE OURSELVES.
Ask for what you want!
For my poly-people still in the closet - yes, we can have long-term, committed relationships without having to distance ourselves from those we love. Explain what it means that you have friendships that are sometimes loverships - include your new partner.
For my “fake poly” people (who probably won’t read this): if you feel any form of shame or discomfort in expressing your true desires to your dating partners - feel into what part of you is driven by ‘taboo’ and ‘secrecy’ (and are still monogamy-conditioned) and avoid honesty. It’s ok to “date around” until you find someone worth your commitment - but also, it’s ok to admit that you want to be sexually promiscuous, “casual” and that might be because of relational trauma - that it is hard to trust new people. I’d recommend therapy.
*** please note that this is not to judge promiscuity per say - I probably fit into that category even though I have months with no partners and then some with a few.
I understand that we can have emotional needs separate from sexual needs - although I believe sex to be a very full-spectrum, profound thing to share - even if it is once or on a ‘casual’ basis. And we can only ever get better at bringing our full selves to the table, and practising good emotional and physical hygiene. (that’s another story…)
And to my mono-friends - maybe inspect your own insecurities and what you are willing to uncover, IF dating someone who is leaning toward open relationships. It is HIGHLY likely that your attachment wounds will come up, and you WILL need support from friends and others on a similar relational journey. AND it might be good to acknowledge EARLY that you may not get the romantic happily-ever-after with this person. If you can love a poly-person as who they are, amazing.
TO ALL - please learn to communicate and have nuance around the relationship:
what would the ideal relational configuration look like?
We can realistically have only 2-5 very close attachment relations at a time, the rest might be experiential, circumstantial, comets that come and go etc.how do we navigate sexuality - mine, yours, experimenting together or apart…?
knowing that we have different libidos, different fantasies and turn ons that may change over time (after the honeymoon period) and embracing that as part of our mutual growth - yay! Just don’t make it a surprise ‘cheating’ game.“when my attachment wounds rise, I would like you to…”
pre-discussion on how to handle triggers might help. There could be a ‘safeword’ we pull and agree on, when we just need the other to listen without retaliation or acted out response. Speaking about attractions before anything happens is SO NECESSARY. In my experience, it helps me when I know what the other attraction means to my lover. How does it enrich their life? What do they love about the other person (it’s usually something we can learn from each other)?
Again, real poly is INCLUSIVE. We want everyone to get along!
Real poly is long-term. We want to keep all of our lovers/friends in our lives regardless of what that looks like.
Real poly wants WIN-WIN-WIN solutions - we can and will show up for the hard conversations.
Real poly does have agreements. Agreements can shift, can be talked about, but we know that they are there to allow the hearts SAFETY to stretch.
Oh, and my personal favourite principle - ALWAYS CHOOSE BOTH. Whenever I feel like I am put into a position to choose between two lovers, lifepaths, meals or careers - I want both and I will work toward finding a way to do so.
I want commitment and freedom.
I want love and sex.
I want women and men.
I want us to live in a house together, and I want my own space.
I want to travel the world and I want to have a little nook of safe haven to return to.
I don’t want to have children of my own but I am happy to be in a configuration that includes them.
I want you to have your best ideal life - and I also want to live my best life, under the circumstances - and I want us to support each other through the tough times.
