From small town to big city -poly
The benefits of community and the downfalls of too much processing...
[copied from my fb post but here in case it gets taken down… :P]
Here’s a graph for better understanding of poly-dynamics:
From small-town garden-party-poly
to big-city don't-ask-don't-tell poly
It's been a pretty radical shift over the past 3 years.
I used to know who my metamours were, I'd have coffee with them, we'd talk about loving the same person, we would extend empathy and yes take distance at times but generally still smile and hug at said garden parties and everyone was a bit of a one big family.
I miss the village element.
It taught me that yes, my partner will probably sleep with a bunch of these people and they'll be coming over and sharing life and we will go through that drama and still be here, together.
It normalised being friends with ex-lovers and future partners.
It taught me to want the best for my fellow women. Sometimes the metamours would become my best friends. My own old lovers became his best friends. The communal approach deconditioned a lot of the ownership/scarcity models.
And yes, there was more time for talking, seeing each other at all the same events and generally everyone knowing everyone's business...
But it was also a small dating pool and sometimes I struggled to have territory or privacy. There was no choice to take-time-off OR you'd lose half your friends forcing them to pick sides in a breakup. It is its own culture and we don't always get what we want and there's partnership hierarchies and at times it is heartbreaking to HAVE TO see your ex at every corner...
So, I changed scenes and came to one of the most openly poly and kink-friendly cities in the world.
First of all - the abundance. It feels like 20-40yr olds are everywhere, everyone's open, I felt checked out at street corners, the international selection of humans is delicious and all the quirky little niche cultural events creating sub-pockets in each neighbourhood...
I discovered old lovers and new - there is no relationship escalator - we date once a week or once a month - ranging somewhere between romance, friendship and/or hot hookup.
Big city solo poly taught me dating, and how to have a great time going to places with new people. Highlights include Dua Saleh concert makeouts, back-of-scooter rides across town from live concert to next and meetings that just begin and end with tossles between sheets.
But maybe I'm too emotional or communicative OR maybe I'm perceived as the opposite - a fukboi. Equal to the amount of dates that were excellent were dates that didn't even happen.
My tolerance for avoidance and rejection shot through the roof. It's true that the city hardens you.
And without a poly-network, everyone's individualism thrives, but we lose access to community. Even my closest friends seem far away. Lovers drop in and drop out.
Urban poly taught me to be more independent and lean on multiple people, even new acquaintances. It's taught me to stay open and seize opportunities, accept more nuanced (less-attached) ways of relating - in which the positive is that I still get to keep my own life and get my work done, and I'm less swept up by constant village-drama.
It has been inspiring to meet new and different people, I am more and more aware how insane life is, how systemic oppression affects us all in some ways and that yes, WE NEED COMMUNITY.
Friends, lovers, RELATIONSHIPS - the mycellium of life, is so important. Little moments of hugs, intimate confessions, catalysing cocktails of fleshy passion... it has all taught me so much more about humanity.
It has been its own mystery school.
And the constant subtle heartbreak gets too much at times. I love building my life around people that keep showing up and we keep sharing ebbs and flows.
So, I'd love to find something in-between - or blend these flavours together more strongly (and it's on me for not being the community-builder within the city that I was in the country - I've held zero garden parties). I've also been changed by the ways relating is available.
And now I'm ready for another shape/style or dynamic of poly
